Science has made fat loss too easy. It’s no longer enough of a challenge or badge of honor for anyone who considers themselves hardcore. Therefore, here’s a special method to prove your toughness, refined from many years of research and experimentation.
Our goal is to induce serious physiological dysregulation. Fatigue and ravenous hunger are a must, but there’s so much more discomfort to mine. We should at least destroy sex drive, skin and hair quality, metabolic rate, sleep, immune function, and sap 90% of the fun of life.
With those premises in place, here are the important fundamentals.
- First we need to chop daily calories below basal metabolic rate. Halving daily intake is an okay start, but 1/3 would be even better.
- Eating at least 10 tiny meals per day to optimize hunger. Each meal must be small enough to get a taste of your food and jack up cravings, but nowhere near big enough to allow satisfaction.
- The biggest meal of the day should be breakfast. To really enhance hunger it should contain no fat or protein, just some super-fast digesting carbohydrate. Maybe some toasted plain white bread or a couple spoonfuls of sugar.
- Minimize protein, fiber, and fat. They’re known to cause satiety.
- Deficiencies in essential nutrients can induce the cravings we want to withstand, so avoid nutrient-dense foods.
- Nothing sharpens desire like prohibition, so it’s very important to restrict pleasurable foods. No treats whatsoever. Remember, flexibility is our enemy.
- One of the least satiating ways to take in calories is to drink them, so high carb, bland-tasting meal replacement shakes are a must. Even better, cans of regular Coke. Provided the caffeine doesn’t reduce fatigue.
- Avoid social engagements and venturing out of the house at all. If you really have to go out—say to restock your meal replacement powder—be sure to have a good supply of tupperware so that you can eat on the run.
- No food past 4:00 PM! Spending the last hours of the day feeling like you’re starving is a great source of torture.
- Minimum of two hours cardio per day, if not more.
- If your starving body isn’t leading to a serious lack of sleep, make sure you set a very early alarm, say 3 AM. The stress from lack of sleep will cause even more extreme cravings.
- When you eventually fall off the wagon and succumb to a piece of cheesecake, you need to know that it’s all or nothing, and that the whole diet has been ruined. You might as well eat four cheesecakes, and chase it up with a trip to McDonald’s.
- When you’re fatter than when you started, wallow in guilt, then start the whole process over again.
- Repeat endlessly.
- Tell everyone how much you suffered so they know what you’re made of.
- Bask in the satisfaction of knowing you’re dieting how it should be done. These people bleating on about their easy methods are idiots.
The suffering mentality
What prompted this post were the people who say suffering on a diet is non-negotiable, and that flexibility and lack of restriction is somehow cheating.
I’ve suffered on diets. The rigid and overly-restrictive diets of my younger days were hellish and unsustainable, leading to rebounds and failure. That’s why the mandatory-suffering mentality is bizarre to me.
Anyway, whatever leads to this strange psychology, if you did the opposite of everything I wrote here, you’d have a decent fat loss protocol.